Tuesday, February 28, 2006
And then the light at the end of the tunnel turned out to be a swarm of glow worms in the next tunnel. My hired mage threatened to cast a spell of internal liquefaction on me if I didn't find the treasure chamber soon. My hired swordsmen began gambling to see how they would divvy up my belongings after the mutiny they were clearly contemplating. It was all down to bad cartogpraphy, but I doubted they cared.
Posted by JP at 12:57 PM
Monday, February 27, 2006
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Friday, February 24, 2006
And then the weak inherited the world, and nothing changed at all. That was when we realised they'd always been in charge. We felt helpless and alone.
Posted by JP at 12:38 PM
Thursday, February 23, 2006
And then a raging forest fire burned down the last habitat of the Incongruous Crawling Chimera. Three days later, it had wiped out seven varieties of conifer that secretly held the cures to cancer, AIDS, the common cold and Coldplay fandom in their bark. 7 days later the fire reached the Pacific ocean and sputtered to a halt. Rumours say it was started by Earth-2 Superman, but everyone blames everything on him.
Posted by JP at 11:23 AM
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
...I grabbed the bomb from the Chihuahuaian Ambassador, ran down the promenade fighting off cannnibalistic Hussars with my cutlass, swung by the flagpole, dived off the dock edge and plunged into the bay, just in time to wet the powder and disable the bomb. When I emerged, dripping and drained from the murky waters, I found that the Ambassador and the Hussars had caught my trusty accomplice, Ted of the Three Thumbs and were roasting him on a spit while drinking red wine straight from the cask. I sighed, and plunged back in, to swim away to Far Atalan, where my piscean maiden of the sea waited for me, her gills weaving gently in the sun-soaked currents.
Posted by JP at 2:16 PM
And then the ten dollar bill walked right towards the manager of the supermarket and said "I deserve a raise, I have sold myself too short here." The manager looked at him and said "I will put you in an old age home if you dont keep that filthy mouth of yours shut." Washington was hurt.
And then I tucked my shirt back in and re-adjusted my groinular bits, after having been subjected to the causal intimacies of frisking by the ubiquitous Delhi police. The lie in wait everywhere, at Metro stations, underground marketplaces and random mausoleums, hands all eager to cup anonymous boob and scrote. It is the most physical intimacy I have experienced in more than a year, and I find the experience obsurely comforting.
Posted by JP at 10:24 AM
Monday, February 20, 2006
Sunday, February 19, 2006
Friday, February 17, 2006
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
The resounding blast of Glen Madeiros’s deplorable attempt at a second hit love song resulted in a million pink and red balloons barfing on the floors of various scented venues. It was the day that no one could tell the cause from the cure, the puke from the Gelusil. In the mass delirium that resulted from this occurrence, people decided to name the entire hullabaloo over a Saint.
And then I realised that, although I had assembled my usual care package, including a bottle of single malt and a Tom Waits CD, I had utterly omitted to acquire a box of toilet tissues. Such are the vissicitudes of young self-love.
Posted by JP at 11:25 AM
Monday, February 13, 2006
Friday, February 10, 2006
And then I realised that I was only understood when I thought I was being misunderstood and only lived when I thought I wad dying. Armed with this new knowledge I peeled away my seven souls and flew straight for the heart of the tarswarm.
By JP, who's clearly made up a new word.
By JP, who's clearly made up a new word.
Thursday, February 09, 2006
despite having aliens lay their spawn in his brain, he did not die. Infact, he discovered he could telepathically communicate with the vastly more intelligent life-form. Making the best of a bad situation, he cut a deal with the it and went on to win numerous day-time TV gameshows with its help, including Wheel of Fortune.
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
And then somebody hit me over the head with a two by four and I was lost to the world for about 7 hours while they robbed me of all my clothes and money and cards and also stole my keys and went and ransacked my home and killed the goldfish and ran away with my wife. She sent me a postacrd. It said 'it's nicer with criminals'.
Posted by JP at 4:12 PM
And then I travelled to Puerto Vallerta, where a kindly hermit crab shared his humble abode with me in return for a handful of silver and game of dice.
Posted by JP at 11:17 AM
Monday, February 06, 2006
And then all the Compact Discs, started a worldwide campaign called Fat Is Nice. They were tired of watching what they ate, in order to keep their figures. They did not choose to be the Cover Discs of all the technology magazines, and they certainly had a problem with the sign outside the manufacturing units that read "please don't feed the inmates".
And then they stretched me on the rack and subjected me to abacination and bastinado until I cracked under the strain and revealed that, yes, my secret name was in fact BAFOMET.
Posted by JP at 5:25 PM
Friday, February 03, 2006
Thursday, February 02, 2006
And then I realised that my life was a travesty, my faith a fake and my love a lie. Goddamn cyberpunks.
Posted by JP at 11:43 AM