And then, with a creaking of rusty hinges and a rattling of dusty chains, the once-thriving blog stirred from its stupor and roared. A passing fly laughed to see such fun.

And then Kurt did his bigmuff superfuzz riff and I realised that Bleach was after all not just a chemical, but also a reaction.

Aaaannnd theeeennn???

The cat refused to come back, when he found out the mice were playing a game called Dog Eat Dog.

One Morning on Mount Olympus

As he rolled the stone up the hill and watched in despair as it rolled back down, he started to cry. The gods looked down from their rangy perches and laughed. "What a cry baby. He always makes such a Sisyphus!"

And Then

the pirate captain stood out on the deck and sang a soulful tune.
Twas Blackbeard singing in the dead of night!

And then?

In a single moment of canine inspiration, she barked up the wrong tree.

And then in the chapel of bones we rolled the stones to see who dies, they came up snake's eyes I was the sacrifice such a cruel device...

She sold her feelings for a steel coffee filter and some beans. Now they're writing the sequel to Faust Book, which will no doubt be made into a deplorable film soon enough.

(Actually by Boomsa, on whose behalf I have posted this, as work beckons her like a wanton wench.)

And Then?

The lamas started an online trading portal. They called it monk e-business.

And then the kitchen knives all hid in the tea mugs while the forks spooned and the spoons forked.

And Then?

Francis went to talk to the birds and the flowers, and all the other monks teased him saying, "St. Francis is a sissy, St. Francis is a sissy, St. Francis is a sissy! Nya nya nya!"

Unt Zen?

Herr Kapitan said to Herr, "Fraulein, vhy don't ve get Nazi und uber me strudel"

And Then?

Cat Steven's sang "Where have all the flowers gone?"
And they replied "To San Francisco, with the hippies."

This one is mine, not JPs. No really. Really.

And Then

the Colonel came to our rescue, pointing out that there was nothing wrong with cannibalism that some mustard and green chilies couldn't fix. We were all greatly comforted and went back to the slave pens to pick out a likely candidate for dinner.

I post this as a proxy for JP and wish to take no credit for this madness that need be ascribed to the man.

And then?

"Not now, friend", she said. "My world is jumping off a tall building. I have vertigo, and he's too tall."

And then the Brontosaurus troops stomed our jusassic stronghold, only to stumble into a tar pit. They died in exotic, agonised poses, later to be puzzled over by future paleontologists over muffins and tea.

And then?

The nymphomaniac confused with the nature of the rally taking place outside her building rushed out joyfully to join the shouts of "Vote for Congress!"

Frustrated with her attempts to turn her husband into her soulmate, the desperate housewife decided to squeeze one out of her loins...

And then?

In a fit of theatrical rage, the three witches of Macbeth turned into three vultures. Now all they ever say is, "I dunno. Wha CHU wanna do??"

And then?

William Tell's son ate the halves of the apple and his name came to be known through the world as adam.

And then?

The mosquito said, "Fuck you, i'll make sure you have 5 nipples when you wake up!!"

And then?

She said, "ours is a dog eat dog world", and bit into his flesh. That was the day rap "music" sort of died. In a good way, of course.

And THEN???

The palette fell crashing to the floor, and all the colours were confused. The highly offensive and disturbing song Lady in Red was originaly called Lady in Shades of Besmirched Red, Yellow and Doggy Doo. It was simplified for the benefit of its dull audience.

And then we stood up as one and chanted: IN BOTTLE THERE IS NO BEER. IN LIFE THERE IS NO CHEER. WE TRUDGE THIS PASSAGE DREAR WITH NO LAGER OUR WAY TO STEER.

As tax season rolls around, people begin to discuss the tedious nature of TDS

And then?

The glass facades started reflecting on Life and Stuff and the resulting flashes of blindness left a residue called Bangalore.
Then everybody complained and left.

And then the door mat rolled over and said 'No, you're not welcome. I cannot lie here anymore.'

And then?

All the otters went back to their homes, laughing and slapping each other's backs. Another evening well spent at the local ottering hole.

And then an epidimic of spontaneous combustion broke out in Alaska. Everyone stood and warmed themselves by the pretty fires as long as it lasted. Later on, they ate the yellow snow.

And Then

it was made mandatory for all Christian songs to be composed in the scale of Gsus.

And then the fun machine took a shit and died.

And then the vagaries of fate and a non-anthropocentric cosmos esnured that I would be left behind on a moonless earth with a scarred face, while a little grey cat traversed the stars in my place. The tides would never be the same, and neither would my hide.

And then?

On the fifth day, they drank, pointed and laughed. On the seventh day, it was coconuts and orange socks. The sixth day called in sick.

And then?

My heart with pleasure fills, but still refuses to dance with the daffodils.
Nyaaah.

And then?

The fax machine and the answering machine discovered that they were in love. But the answering machine was the practical sort. "A bird and a fish can fall in love, but where will they build their nest?" And, well, that was that.

And then the shoggoths came climbing down from the roofs, to bear the wretched townspeople away to R'lyeh, arisen from beneath the waves once again. Plush Chthulhu clapped his fluffy tentacles and laughed to see such fun.

And then?

The quiet mouse-like girl flailed her arms and ran about the office yelling, rather uncharacteristically, "where is my brief? where's my brief?" It was a low point in the already relatively low life of the advertising industry.

And then I devolved into a unicellular organism, covering the entire planet with a layer of beer-fuelled angst and adolescent aggression.

And then with a master-stroke the feller felled the fairy, tickling his lady-friends' fancy. A crowd of ogres stood and stared. They'd heard this song before.

And then?

On account of all the shoot-outs in the city, all the pubs started a BYOG* policy.

*Bring Your Own Gun.

And then?

I walked into Brainville but it looked like a desert. Then I felt very very alone.

And then?

After months of avoiding my speech therapist's calls and notices, I nervously opened an e-mail from him to be greeted with those three delightful and somewhat ironic words.
Message text garbled.

And then the reality police apprehended me and slammed me in lock-up for 'serial delusions'.

And then?

All the king's horses lost their right shoes, and all the king's men got very drunk. And the house upon the rock was firm.

And then?

There were three blind mice, three little pigs and three days before the deadly lullaby was sung to the child. Ask Chuck, he knows.

And then?

He read his Robert Frost and she, her Emily Dickenson, and entire collections of delightful poetry remained unwritten.

And then?

I looked at myself in the mirror and burst into inconsolable tears. The barber had cut my hair in Hindi.

I've set up a cubicle at home with my computer in it so i can tell everyone i work at HBO

Mr. Spleen enquired if Miss Elbow had any relatives in the lower body. To which she replied, "Why yes!!!! 2 ankles and a knees"

He leaned into satyarupa and said "i'm from orissa too... want to feel my Sunderbuns?"

into the belly of the beast

And then the Cookie Monster and Chuck Billy appeared before me and said, in unison, 'Son, it comes from the belly, not the throat.' Soon, I was hired by a death metal outfit and am now a total unknown, with a fan following of about 62 (only 1 of whom is not directly related to any of theband members by blood or business). Success at last.

And Then

The girl that caught my fancy also caught syphilis, and things didn't work out too well between us. :(

And Then?

They mixed the genes of a hippopotamus and an iguana and made a little ignoramus.

And Then?

we stole ideas and stashed them away in our ideological coffers, until no one could think of anything new, and we laughed as people were forced to use cliches.

And then?

JP got pissed off with all the repeated questioning. He glared at her in the still of the night, spun around accompanied cheerfully by his swirling black cloak, and gambolled into the darkness, rather uncharacteristically humming Chris Isaak hits.

And then I was over­whelmed with an­d-thenan­nary demands and thought to myself 'what I need is for Bizzaro Anoopa and her pals to start a Bizzaro And Then blog that I can filch from at such ­mo­ment­s'.

And then I carved a scrimshaw. It showed mad King Ahab being consumed by the tentacular minions of Cthulhu, rather than by his own passions or a great white whale.

And then?

Millions of pencils scratched in tandem, all over the world, resulting in the temporary insanity of paper. This is how the telephone was born, and, well, it was allllll downhill from there.

And then Donald Fagen switched between D minor and F major and realised he had subconsciously copyrighted a progression called "Kamakiriad".

And then?

Shortly after the Meatloaf- Sally Spectra disclosure, there was an empty undecided silence as various people weighed the pros and cons of similar admissions. We have just received information that there IS no Richard Gere!

And then?

After hours of polite altercation and half-hearted raising of voices, she decided to make her point with no further ado. She said, "You have balls and I can kick". Only moments later, the penny dropped.

And then I went to watch a concert by the thrash metal band, Te­nament. Not many people know this, but Te­na­ment's first lead guitarist was Alexander Selkirk, the dis­cover­er of pen­ni­cil­in.

And Then

I fly to the centre of the sun and harness the energy from the fusion reactions at the core and store it in a generator that will power mankind for the next 300 million years.

And then?

She looked soulfully into his eyes, laced her fingers with his and barked in his ear, "When faced with adversity, wear your crotch guard and bat on the front foot, you wimp!"

And Then?

Programming nerds took over the 50s music industry, and the Do Wop became the Do Loop!

And then?

And then the good Lord, in a weak moment said, "You want candy floss, yo?" And that's how pink was born.

And then Superman broke up with Lalita Lubberwallah and, realising that there were no more girls with LL initials for him to do the super-poontang with, proceeded to fly over to LexCorp offices and make CEO Lex a rather uncharacteristic but not entirely unforeseen offer.

And Then

the pirate frequencies interfered with the transmission of .... zzzt...his....me.....kkkhhh....ag.....*bloop*

And Then

the little Roman kid forgot to study for his language exam and it looked Latin to him!

And then?

Rather uncharacteristically, he made doe eyes at me and said, "Quit playing games with my hart. The other deer are getting jealous."

And then the light at the end of the tunnel turned out to be a swarm of glow worms in the next tunnel. My hired mage threatened to cast a spell of internal liquefaction on me if I didn't find the treasure chamber soon. My hired swordsmen began gambling to see how they would divvy up my belongings after the mutiny they were clearly contemplating. It was all down to bad cartogpraphy, but I doubted they cared.

And then?

All the little people swore to listen to only Smokie's version of Living Next Door to Alice, because as it turns out, no one really wants to know who Alice is.

And then she screamed "Cathedral, cathedral!"

And then the weak inherited the world, and nothing changed at all. That was when we realised they'd always been in charge. We felt helpless and alone.

And then?

For 2 entire seconds there was no Oxygen at all, which caused the whole English speaking world to decide that 'x' was not required to be part of the Alphabet anymore. And no one ever had sex again.

And Then

the professor said, "You idiot! We were doing a Schrodinger experiment, not testing Heisenberg's principle! Now we don't know where the cat is!"

And then he turned to me and said, "wow! my second name is Mohamed too! Should we go to the mountain?"

And then?

After decades of facelifts and Botox, in the 83rd season of The Bold and the Beautiful, Sally Spectra finally declared that she was, indeed, Meatloaf.

And then a raging forest fire burned down the last habitat of the In­con­gru­ous Crawling Chimera. Three days later, it had wiped out seven varieties of conifer that secretly held the cures to cancer, AIDS, the common cold and Coldplay fandom in their bark. 7 days later the fire reached the Pacific ocean and sputtered to a halt. Rumours say it was started by Earth-2 Superman, but everyone blames everything on him.

Und Zen

zee vipers vere versened by zee konstant spflattering of leedle drophlets on zee vindskhreen of zee volkswagon.

...I grabbed the bomb from the Chihuahuaian Ambassador, ran down the promenade fighting off cannnibalistic Hussars with my cutlass, swung by the flagpole, dived off the dock edge and plunged into the bay, just in time to wet the powder and disable the bomb. When I emerged, dripping and drained from the murky waters, I found that the Ambassador and the Hussars had caught my trusty accomplice, Ted of the Three Thumbs and were roasting him on a spit while drinking red wine straight from the cask. I sighed, and plunged back in, to swim away to Far Atalan, where my piscean maiden of the sea waited for me, her gills weaving gently in the sun-soaked currents.

And then the ten dollar bill walked right towards the manager of the supermarket and said "I deserve a raise, I have sold myself too short here." The manager looked at him and said "I will put you in an old age home if you dont keep that filthy mouth of yours shut." Washington was hurt.

And then I tucked my shirt back in and re-adjusted my groinular bits, after having been subjected to the causal intimacies of frisking by the ubiquitous Delhi police. The lie in wait everywhere, at Metro stations, underground marketplaces and random mausoleums, hands all eager to cup anonymous boob and scrote. It is the most physical intimacy I have experienced in more than a year, and I find the experience obsurely comforting.

And then?

She looked him in the eye and said, "Among the instruments and people that you can play, you might be tempted to add me to your repertoire. But if I were you, I'd change my hands, my feet, my face and my resume, and become a janitor at the old age home."

Pierre loved big breasts. But only the natural variety. After an accident with a saline filled pair he swore off them. When confronted by falsies he is known to giggle. make a "phurrhhss" sound and exclaim "Sacre bleu, i have beeen sillee-conned"

And Then

the interstellar buses were loaded up and began their 8.5 light year trip to Sirius B. There was no dearth of hash, Jack Daniels and munchies. Unfortunately they would last longer than most of the passengers.

And then?

William Shakespeare finally admitted that with every sonnet he wrote, he normally died in the first half of the octet and came back to life in the second half of the sestet.

And then? (Valentine Special)

The resounding blast of Glen Madeiros’s deplorable attempt at a second hit love song resulted in a million pink and red balloons barfing on the floors of various scented venues. It was the day that no one could tell the cause from the cure, the puke from the Gelusil. In the mass delirium that resulted from this occurrence, people decided to name the entire hullabaloo over a Saint.

And then I realised that, although I had assembled my usual care package, including a bottle of single malt and a Tom Waits CD, I had utterly omitted to acquire a box of toilet tissues. Such are the vissicitudes of young self-love.

And then (Valentines special) pt 2

And then nine months later, we have childrens day. :)

And Then (Valentine's Special)

the day of love was repealed when historians found that the saint had actually preached a message of promiscuity and licentious behaviour, which the church did not accept.

The Salamanders and the Salmon had a big tussle over a couple of salmiyakis over which species gets to claim Salma Hayek. However, Salman Khan is still rotting in the back room, being useful as a scale/moulted skin rack.

The molars looked at the latest entrant, and whispered amongst themselves, “See, that’s the thing about wisdom. The Lord gives and the Lord, he takes it away”.

And then "G" looked at "A" and said, "Can I sit on your peak and drink my coffee? I've been standing all day and now my butt hurts". "A" quietly looked at "G" and said, "Atleast you dont have legs".

After decades of debate and deliberation, it was discovered that the sun does, in fact, set into the belly of a large fish, which plays the flute through its nose and always, always wears pantyhose.

And then I realised that I was only understood when I thought I was being misunderstood and only lived when I thought I wad dying. Armed with this new knowledge I peeled away my seven souls and flew straight for the heart of the tarswarm.

By JP, who's clearly made up a new word.

And Then

in the midst of the pressure to be cool, there was a great revalation, and his name was John Travolta, and he danced funky, with bell bottoms.

And Then

they discovered that the third chromosome of the Bush family DNA was, in fact, the root of all evil!

AND THEN????

Pink Koosh kins invaded the earth, they were eventually defeated by the domestic cats who batted them around. all that's left of this historic event is little bits of pink rubber fluff strewn across NYC... of course...

And then Swiska opened the skin of her little pig and quickly painted large amounts of fuchsia to signify her undying love for the "world within zaireeka", the world of grids.

And Then

the lemur slowly dematerialised, while it's large eyes remained, staring vacuously into space. It was a Cheshire lemur.

And then somebody hit me over the head with a two by four and I was lost to the world for about 7 hours while they robbed me of all my clothes and money and cards and also stole my keys and went and ransacked my home and killed the goldfish and ran away with my wife. She sent me a postacrd. It said 'it's nicer with criminals'.

The chorus, in an effort to make its point, repeated itself once too often, and the song died a frigid, lonely death. Many claim this is how Coldplay was born.

And then I realised that beauty is such a terrible thing. She is suffering. She is suffering yet more than death.

And Then

an automated process was set in place to soothe the disquiet in my heart.

And then I travelled to Puerto Vallerta, where a kindly hermit crab shared his humble abode with me in return for a handful of silver and game of dice.

And then the two convicted pints faced a jury of their beers.

And then all the Compact Discs, started a worldwide campaign called Fat Is Nice. They were tired of watching what they ate, in order to keep their figures. They did not choose to be the Cover Discs of all the technology magazines, and they certainly had a problem with the sign outside the manufacturing units that read "please don't feed the inmates".

And then they stretched me on the rack and subjected me to abacination and bastinado until I cracked under the strain and revealed that, yes, my secret name was in fact BAFOMET.

And Then

the beegeeness of the whole thing occurred to me and I became Barry Gibbs.

And then the Green Man spread his leaves about us and we slept all night on velvet verdure.

The giant pizza pie looked at the tandoori chicken and exclaimed, "this will never do!". Many believe that this is why the chicken chose to cross the road. The chicken is also portrayed as being moody.

And then I realised that my life was a travesty, my faith a fake and my love a lie. Goddamn cyberpunks.

And Then

The kindly souls, the powers that be, gave the mere mortal the right to accede.

And then I took a bite from the fruit of the tree of knowledge. Then I turned around and told Jolly Old Nobodaddy: 'Get a life, you silly turnip'.

And then, a secret siren looked out of the window looking for a police van to call its own but then it realised it was only a curmudgeon stuck in the back seat of a limousine, waiting to become the real thing.

The thinking cap pulled up her socks, rolled up her sleeves and wrote four Petrarchan sonnets before a breakfast of Nashed Potatoes.

The calendar dropped all its 'u's, and among other mishaps, 'August' began to rhyme with 'angst'.

And then the boiling void closed around the dying rabbit like the jaws of a cosmic wolf. The universe watched in silence, although a passing truck honked twice.

And then the wicked parson lured the small child into a thicket, where he proceeded to disembowel it with a rusty geometrical compass.

And then?

The wise cats sat up in their cradle and looked up at Joe with symathetic eyes. And then they quoted Joshua Cadison and informed him that he would always be beautiful in their eyes.

And then?

The mouse police came to the unanimous conclusion that they would never sleep. If they ever shut their eyes, the shaggy haired piper would use his metallic instrument and they would die of acute flautism.

And then?

Thought became action, action became silence, silence became suffocation and everyone fell down as it hit the ground.

And then?

Mr. Moustache guided his little son into the vast desert of fossils, dinosaurs and bats so that he could show him the secret of his wonderful growth.

And then?

And then the killer platypus spat poison-tipped darts at Agen Doubleoh Nine, who was, however, too busy adjusting the sleeves of his Rat and Toiler suit while simultaneously feeling up his lady of the night, Halloween Pum'kin. Doubleoh Nine did not survive. Killer Platypus and Ms. Halloween would like to invite you to attend their wedding.

By JP, who doesn't update his own shit.

And then?

Much to the chagrin of the sharper more sensitive cutlery, the dish ran away with the spoon. The little dog laughed, because he had no use for the latter. He had no opposable thumbs.

And then?

The handful of desperate penne went to the local pub in search of some hot fusilli.

And then?

And then Priests of Osiris led the young boy to a stone place, where he instructed them in the secret incantations of the Drowned People. In return, they gave him a roll of toilet papyrus.

And then i realised that i had spent my whole life up until that point labouring under a delusion, and that the sky was not, in fact, a badly-disguised aubergine.