And Then

the little Roman kid forgot to study for his language exam and it looked Latin to him!

And then?

Rather uncharacteristically, he made doe eyes at me and said, "Quit playing games with my hart. The other deer are getting jealous."

And then the light at the end of the tunnel turned out to be a swarm of glow worms in the next tunnel. My hired mage threatened to cast a spell of internal liquefaction on me if I didn't find the treasure chamber soon. My hired swordsmen began gambling to see how they would divvy up my belongings after the mutiny they were clearly contemplating. It was all down to bad cartogpraphy, but I doubted they cared.

And then?

All the little people swore to listen to only Smokie's version of Living Next Door to Alice, because as it turns out, no one really wants to know who Alice is.

And then she screamed "Cathedral, cathedral!"

And then the weak inherited the world, and nothing changed at all. That was when we realised they'd always been in charge. We felt helpless and alone.

And then?

For 2 entire seconds there was no Oxygen at all, which caused the whole English speaking world to decide that 'x' was not required to be part of the Alphabet anymore. And no one ever had sex again.

And Then

the professor said, "You idiot! We were doing a Schrodinger experiment, not testing Heisenberg's principle! Now we don't know where the cat is!"

And then he turned to me and said, "wow! my second name is Mohamed too! Should we go to the mountain?"

And then?

After decades of facelifts and Botox, in the 83rd season of The Bold and the Beautiful, Sally Spectra finally declared that she was, indeed, Meatloaf.

And then a raging forest fire burned down the last habitat of the In­con­gru­ous Crawling Chimera. Three days later, it had wiped out seven varieties of conifer that secretly held the cures to cancer, AIDS, the common cold and Coldplay fandom in their bark. 7 days later the fire reached the Pacific ocean and sputtered to a halt. Rumours say it was started by Earth-2 Superman, but everyone blames everything on him.

Und Zen

zee vipers vere versened by zee konstant spflattering of leedle drophlets on zee vindskhreen of zee volkswagon.

...I grabbed the bomb from the Chihuahuaian Ambassador, ran down the promenade fighting off cannnibalistic Hussars with my cutlass, swung by the flagpole, dived off the dock edge and plunged into the bay, just in time to wet the powder and disable the bomb. When I emerged, dripping and drained from the murky waters, I found that the Ambassador and the Hussars had caught my trusty accomplice, Ted of the Three Thumbs and were roasting him on a spit while drinking red wine straight from the cask. I sighed, and plunged back in, to swim away to Far Atalan, where my piscean maiden of the sea waited for me, her gills weaving gently in the sun-soaked currents.

And then the ten dollar bill walked right towards the manager of the supermarket and said "I deserve a raise, I have sold myself too short here." The manager looked at him and said "I will put you in an old age home if you dont keep that filthy mouth of yours shut." Washington was hurt.

And then I tucked my shirt back in and re-adjusted my groinular bits, after having been subjected to the causal intimacies of frisking by the ubiquitous Delhi police. The lie in wait everywhere, at Metro stations, underground marketplaces and random mausoleums, hands all eager to cup anonymous boob and scrote. It is the most physical intimacy I have experienced in more than a year, and I find the experience obsurely comforting.

And then?

She looked him in the eye and said, "Among the instruments and people that you can play, you might be tempted to add me to your repertoire. But if I were you, I'd change my hands, my feet, my face and my resume, and become a janitor at the old age home."

Pierre loved big breasts. But only the natural variety. After an accident with a saline filled pair he swore off them. When confronted by falsies he is known to giggle. make a "phurrhhss" sound and exclaim "Sacre bleu, i have beeen sillee-conned"

And Then

the interstellar buses were loaded up and began their 8.5 light year trip to Sirius B. There was no dearth of hash, Jack Daniels and munchies. Unfortunately they would last longer than most of the passengers.

And then?

William Shakespeare finally admitted that with every sonnet he wrote, he normally died in the first half of the octet and came back to life in the second half of the sestet.

And then? (Valentine Special)

The resounding blast of Glen Madeiros’s deplorable attempt at a second hit love song resulted in a million pink and red balloons barfing on the floors of various scented venues. It was the day that no one could tell the cause from the cure, the puke from the Gelusil. In the mass delirium that resulted from this occurrence, people decided to name the entire hullabaloo over a Saint.

And then I realised that, although I had assembled my usual care package, including a bottle of single malt and a Tom Waits CD, I had utterly omitted to acquire a box of toilet tissues. Such are the vissicitudes of young self-love.

And then (Valentines special) pt 2

And then nine months later, we have childrens day. :)

And Then (Valentine's Special)

the day of love was repealed when historians found that the saint had actually preached a message of promiscuity and licentious behaviour, which the church did not accept.

The Salamanders and the Salmon had a big tussle over a couple of salmiyakis over which species gets to claim Salma Hayek. However, Salman Khan is still rotting in the back room, being useful as a scale/moulted skin rack.

The molars looked at the latest entrant, and whispered amongst themselves, “See, that’s the thing about wisdom. The Lord gives and the Lord, he takes it away”.

And then "G" looked at "A" and said, "Can I sit on your peak and drink my coffee? I've been standing all day and now my butt hurts". "A" quietly looked at "G" and said, "Atleast you dont have legs".

After decades of debate and deliberation, it was discovered that the sun does, in fact, set into the belly of a large fish, which plays the flute through its nose and always, always wears pantyhose.

And then I realised that I was only understood when I thought I was being misunderstood and only lived when I thought I wad dying. Armed with this new knowledge I peeled away my seven souls and flew straight for the heart of the tarswarm.

By JP, who's clearly made up a new word.

And Then

in the midst of the pressure to be cool, there was a great revalation, and his name was John Travolta, and he danced funky, with bell bottoms.

And Then

they discovered that the third chromosome of the Bush family DNA was, in fact, the root of all evil!

AND THEN????

Pink Koosh kins invaded the earth, they were eventually defeated by the domestic cats who batted them around. all that's left of this historic event is little bits of pink rubber fluff strewn across NYC... of course...

And then Swiska opened the skin of her little pig and quickly painted large amounts of fuchsia to signify her undying love for the "world within zaireeka", the world of grids.

And Then

the lemur slowly dematerialised, while it's large eyes remained, staring vacuously into space. It was a Cheshire lemur.

And then somebody hit me over the head with a two by four and I was lost to the world for about 7 hours while they robbed me of all my clothes and money and cards and also stole my keys and went and ransacked my home and killed the goldfish and ran away with my wife. She sent me a postacrd. It said 'it's nicer with criminals'.

The chorus, in an effort to make its point, repeated itself once too often, and the song died a frigid, lonely death. Many claim this is how Coldplay was born.

And then I realised that beauty is such a terrible thing. She is suffering. She is suffering yet more than death.

And Then

an automated process was set in place to soothe the disquiet in my heart.

And then I travelled to Puerto Vallerta, where a kindly hermit crab shared his humble abode with me in return for a handful of silver and game of dice.

And then the two convicted pints faced a jury of their beers.

And then all the Compact Discs, started a worldwide campaign called Fat Is Nice. They were tired of watching what they ate, in order to keep their figures. They did not choose to be the Cover Discs of all the technology magazines, and they certainly had a problem with the sign outside the manufacturing units that read "please don't feed the inmates".

And then they stretched me on the rack and subjected me to abacination and bastinado until I cracked under the strain and revealed that, yes, my secret name was in fact BAFOMET.

And Then

the beegeeness of the whole thing occurred to me and I became Barry Gibbs.

And then the Green Man spread his leaves about us and we slept all night on velvet verdure.

The giant pizza pie looked at the tandoori chicken and exclaimed, "this will never do!". Many believe that this is why the chicken chose to cross the road. The chicken is also portrayed as being moody.

And then I realised that my life was a travesty, my faith a fake and my love a lie. Goddamn cyberpunks.

And Then

The kindly souls, the powers that be, gave the mere mortal the right to accede.

And then I took a bite from the fruit of the tree of knowledge. Then I turned around and told Jolly Old Nobodaddy: 'Get a life, you silly turnip'.